FINGERS CROSSED, NOT WEARING SHOES

I'm not really single any more. I met someone. On a fracking dating site. In less than three months of plowing through toads.

Yes, it's true.

I'm not wearing shoes so there will be no dropping of one or the other.

I am not going to write much on it, if ever. Because I don't usually swing that way. Especially now because it is all brand new.

There is a film sequence in my head where I am wearing a lovely burgundy lace gown. My hair is up, Gibson style. I walk down a hallway of tall windows dressed in gauzy,  floor to ceiling curtains that billow in a soft breeze. Men of all sizes and shapes, but within my parameters of between age 57 and 65 and living within 75 miles of me, who do not smoke, are not married, are not looking for a hookup or casual encounters, line each side of the hallway.

I stop and look intently into each face. Some eyes pop open, with idiotic grins and drool rolling down their face. Some look sternly back at me and say "Not pretty enough!" or "Not thin enough!" or "Not enough enough!" And I pat each on the head and say, most times kindly, "not you," always referring to them with their personal not real name.

Then I come to the himself who I refer to in the first paragraph of this post. Fireworks shoot up from behind him, burning all the curtains down and scaring the others, who leave in a panicked run. Our eyes lock in a surprise of instant mutual knowing, as shit eating grins spread from ear to ear on both of our attractive faces. Salsa music starts up and we dance away as the camera fades out.

Isn't that nice?

We're waiting to tell each other we love each other until this weekend. Because it is crazily just too soon.

I so dearly hope he is not a pooper.

EPIC

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. DON'T READ IF YOU PLAN TO SEE IT. READ IT AFTER.

Ben and I saw this movie last night. I highly recommend it, objectively. It was well done, with a good story. The animation was beautiful.

Subjectively, I had a rather strange reaction to the film. For  a number of reasons, which, of course since this IS a blog post, I shall elucidate.

The movie is based on the book,The Leaf Men and the Brave Good Bugs which was copyrighted in 2001. This date may or may not be important. I include it only as a curiosity in the unfolding of circumstantial events.

I used to work at the Disney studios, in the feature animation division. It was during the magical time that was presented in the documentary "Waking Sleeping Beauty." I still need to see that film. Anyway, that's when I worked there. Of course I was writing at the same time, but this was long before the advent of blogging and Facebook and Twitter and all such media creations for the masses to expel their mental ditherings, much like the expulsion from a giant zit.

Back in the early '90's, I wrote a treatment for an animated film. It was set in New Orleans. It was about a little girl who saves the life of a caterpillar. But not just any caterpillar. The prince caterpillar who is destined to become the butterfly king of the insect world in her back yard. The caterpillar, after being rescued by the little girl, is kidnapped by the cockroaches living in the little girl's house. The little girl is transformed into tiny size, because she helped before so she has to help now, to rescue the caterpillar and save the bugs in the back yard. There's a lot more to it, but you get the idea.

This story did not lie around my apartment gathering dust. I registered it with the Writer's Guild. This sort of "protects" it for 10 years. There are film folks who send minions in to read things registered here for the pilfering of story ideas. In addition, there is a dynamic in the film industry where more than one person at one time comes up with the same or similar story or ideas. I saw this quite often when I was working for a film bonding company and read the scripts that came in for review.

I also had lunch with the president of the animated film division and pitched the story to him. He said it was "sweet."

The 10 years passed and I forgot to renew the registration at the WG. A film called "The Ant Bully" came out awhile back, with a lot of similar elements to my story. I chalked it up to coincidence. If it was pilfered, it was indeed "my bad."

Then comes Epic. Nearly 10 years later, the book was written. Then the film is released this weekend. Before I go any further, I want to say here clearly that I also chalk all this up to coincidence. Bizarre coincidence. But I do not believe there was any intentionality at play here. At least on the human side of things.

The book and the story have the elements from my story of shrinking a human girl to bug size in order to save a kingdom. It's an animated film, as my story was a treatment for an animated film. None of these things is strange. So far.

While watching the film, there was a repetitive story thread of dire situations that seemed to be resolved, with happiness and celebration ensuing, only to be followed by a worse situation. I leaned over to Ben at the third such occurrence and said "This is the story of my life." No big deal. There are many movies out there that I can relate to in this way.

But near the end of the film, it started to occur to me that there were just a few more coincidences happening than these.

In Epic, the main character's name is "Mary Katherine." She makes an issue of being called "M.K." I am known as "L.J." to my colleagues and friends. I make an issue of this as well. Just one letter off from Epic's young lady. In Epic, "M.K." has red hair, with bangs. When I worked at Disney and wrote my treatment, I had red hair and bangs. "M.K." has big green eyes. I have big green eyes.

For some reason, when all of these coincidences hit me at the end of the film, it made me cry. And I'm not a cryer. Especially not in public. But I pulled myself together with the realization that these are just a motley collection of bizarre coincidences and circumstantial curiosities. Any other explanation is just plain crazy wacko.

Then we walked outside to go to the car. The climax of the film involves the necessity of a full moon's light to bathe a special flower bud, triggering it's bloom, in order to save the forest. When we walked out last night, there was an enormous full moon above us. Ben and I looked at each other and did an OMG gape.

But still. I chalk it up to bizarre coincidence. The wry side of me is saying "Fine. If the universe has a message for me, I certainly can't figure out what the heck it is. A note would be clearer." Unless it's in the denouement of Epic's story, which involves the young lady falling for one of the leaf men soldiers, but never being able to have a real relationship in a physical sense after finally acknowledging their feelings for each other. And my recent return to dating.

....that's me. Always cheerful, even in the face of magical universal coincidences. Though I must confess that I did look at myself this morning, very closely in the mirror, searching for a black outline around my silhouette.

MUCH BETTER NOW

I temporarily ran out of my anti pathetic medications.

Much better now.

Yes, I am dating. Yes it sucks. But if one never asks, one never gets.

....freaking amazing. No less.

ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Gracious, I did not shut the site down after all. It seems this old place is still getting visitors. As long as it does, I'll keep it up then.

Life is good here. My son is thriving and about to finish Middle School, with both of us still alive and relatively calm.

I am dating for the first time in *ahem* years. Goodness there are some stories to tell here. But I won't do it. That would be unseemly. Though I gotta tell you, they're something. What a strange age to be single. I hope to fix this soon.

We don't "church" any more. No surprise. And I have to say, I'm happier without it. I've made some nice friends in yoga. Yoga classes are always full of mellow, open, intelligent and lovely people. Plus my body likes it.

If you check in here sometimes, thanks. It's a comfy old place. If you want to say hey, please leave a comment. I'll check back in from time to time.

Peace out.

PG No Mo

Ex Communicated

My entire life has been an exercise of trying to feel a part of something bigger than myself.

Many people are given this naturally as a function of healthy family dynamics or healthy community experiences in church, school, clubs or whatever the organization.

Unfortunately I have had to battle against early messages that I do not deserve to be included in any community anywhere for any reason. Perhaps this is from being serially abused and marginalized as a child. Probably. Explains why I find compliments extremely awkward.

Bigger than that is the concept of community. This nifty article about community says it pretty well.

The last couple months I have felt more and more isolated. Some of this is intentional on the part of people around me. Some is unintentional by the thoughtlessness of people around me. Whatever. Save the call to the Waaambulance.

Today I'm actually in a peaceful place because of finally understanding that there really is no such thing as God of any church or any book or any organization claiming such a thing. There just isn't. It's a concept created to use as a hammer to push away the likes of me. Which is really sad, because I am wonderful and full of good ideas and funny as all get out. And a snappy dresser.

Jesus was a swell guy with good things to say. So was Buddha. And Mohammed. And such like folks. But this deification business, in my experience, is used to judge, punish and even kill others - which those particular gentlemen would find abhorrent. That's just stupid and evil.

It took a long time, but Thanks Pastor Gary from La Canada and thanks Rev. Terry and thanks to CMT for showing me what a travesty organized religion and churches are. How they have absolutely nothing to do with creating any sort of all inclusive, supportive, loving and functional community. I refuse to feel unworthy and not good enough for the likes of you, in the name of a false god, any more.

I have myself, my son and some treasured fine friends. Riches beyond measure. There's no longer any need to measure myself against the always found wanting yardstick of manipulative, dysfunctional and abusive ideologies created for personal gain, ego stroking and edifications.

It's a gorgeous day out here. Sometime in the next month I'll be shutting this site down. I don't believe in churches anywhere any more. Or the god they claim to exist in the pages of hotly debated variations of translations from books of dubious provenance.

Peace out.

THE BULLY PULPIT

Just because it's sometimes called a bully pulpit, I get the feeling that some pastors consider themselves entitled to indulge in bullying behavior. Especially when they've cultivated and nurtured and developed, over the years, a culture of fear of their bad temper from those around them.

I've been through this more than once in more than one church and religious organization. You'd think that would qualify me to see it coming. But I retain a sadly immature naiveté about such things in the silly hope that maybe this time will be different. This is also a classical reaction of an abuse victim, I know. I've read all the books and had the therapy. But then, this makes sense, considering my personal history of various types of abuse. I don't know why I should expect to be attracted to a healthy community of worship, and not of the pastor, if indeed there is such a thing.

Every experience I've had allows me to create a cobbled together version of this type of pastor/leader. He can also be a She.

He is always right about everything. When he does admit a mistake, it's usually because he was given wrong information/partial information/was having a bad day which everyone is entitled to.

Speaking of entitled, this is key. He is entitled to take liberties/jump to conclusions with partial information/make unilateral decisions without going through proper channels because he was "led by spirit." This includes circumventing the board, hiring and firing at will, especially if any of them become a perceived threat to him and his status. This is clinically called "user mentality."

He will triangulate relationships between members to create alliances against others. In this process, he will speak ill of anyone, including members of the congregation, when threatened by real or perceived criticism from the other so-called group or persons.  This process can also include shunting perceived enemies to the side, marginalizing them as people and currying the same response from others. This is presented as "tough love" for the flock.

He will take credit for, or assign credit to a "favorite" for anything positive, whether actually incurred or not, and find scapegoats for any so-called failures. He will never take responsibility for any mishap, misdeed or mistake. He will marginalize any other pastors employed by the church by omitting announcements regarding their illnesses or good news in the service.

He will leave a meeting or gathering angry, with no thought to any consequences of deliberately dividing the congregation or ruling body.

He will overtly flirt and use inappropriate language or touch when he is attracted to someone, in both public and private circumstances.

He will bestow special favor on one or only certain members or employees, holding them above everyone else in such a way as to denigrate the whole, rather than celebrate an actual contribution. This favor will also include work or effort done by others and not the person being favored.

He will seed the staff and board with people he knows will support him in anything he wants to do, without question. If anyone does "stand in his way" so to speak, he will do whatever necessary to remove them from the church, no matter how hurtful or dishonest, and in such a way he will never be caught.  You'll only hear about it after the fact, when the person is gone, having left spiritually destroyed and humiliated usually.

This is similar to the behavior that came under legal scrutiny in Penn State, except only this side of the law. Usually the board and leaders of the church or group are fully aware of the behavior. In some cases, they support it and add to it, because it's the pastor, after all, and we don't want to make them angry.

One way I have finally learned as a "tell" on this, is to stop right after I feel attacked, whether it was directed at me or not. Then step back and ask some questions. Was a particular outburst based on any facts? Were skewed facts used and then turned into self righteous condemnation, followed by an accusatory chaser? When all is said and done, was there anything to it? Trial attorneys learn that if you don't have the law on your side, stick to the facts and if you have neither, then yell really loud. Is this what happened here? So far, ten times out of ten, hubris and sanctimonious posturing win the day.

For a long time I was astonished at how these bullies continue to get away with it, over and over and over. It seems they are enabled and propped up with excuses and minimizing of their behavior with soothing platitudes, because the group around them are former victims themselves. Must keep the parent from spanking us, after all.

I've been through pastors breaking into tears because the stingy old congregation wouldn't fork over enough money for a huge building campaign. This happened on cue in three services. I've listened to haranguing that nobody volunteers, when everyone in the room had volunteered repeatedly over time, after not getting their way on something. I've been through pastors taking a portion of cash offerings and told to shut up about it if I knew what was good for me. I've been through leaders putting my name on a "persona non grata" list because I knew too much and called them on it.

I've had far more bad experiences from pastors and church leaders than good. It is the preponderance of my personal experience that these people are narcissistic, ego-driven demagogues who throw tantrums and actually hurt others when they don't get their own way. And they refuse to step down. They will never step down. And they will likely never be asked to step down.

There must be healthy places out there. I've heard stories of them. It's why I kept trying over the years. But until I can kick this cycle of attracting abusive and controlling people and groups, I have to pull back. Maybe forever. Who knows.

All I can say is a lot more gets done and I have more peace this way.

I cede the floor to the bullies. May they eventually find a lovely view hoisted on their own petard.

TRAVELING TO NEW TERRITORY

We are what we believe. How we live shows what we really believe.

The Amish believe that modern constructs like electricity and television and zippers are paths to the devil. They really believe that, because they live without those things.

Terrorists believe that the only way to continue living successfully in this world is to impose their beliefs (whatever they are, as they are not overly forthcoming in sharing them in a hospitable way at first, as in, maybe with a TED talk), by killing everyone whom they assume does not believe as they do.

I find Jewish tradition to be delightfully down to earth and practical, though some of it dated. Like keeping kosher, which I  believe was to keep the tribe alive before the invention of refrigeration and hot water heaters. The ceremonies have lovely chanting prayers and shawls and candles. And the appreciation for family and community, I find to be very healthy. Though, heaven forbid I should marry in, being a shiksa and all.

Many Christian conservatives believe that the world is only 6,000 years old and that while it is perfectly all right to eat unconsecrated foods, such as shrimp and lobster, you will go straight to hell if you are homosexual. And factions of these believers want to impose their beliefs on everyone else in the world, in the name of "love", while they seek to destroy the lives and opportunities of everyone who does not believe as they do.

Most Wiccans I've met, or pagans as they sometimes like to be called, love us all, no matter what we believe, and wish for us love and light and peace. They believe that caring for the earth and each other in all ways is a happy way to live. Many folks in so-called mainstream society look at Wiccans and pagans as "nut-jobs" or "kooks" or somehow inherently wicked because they find healthy pleasures in their adult flesh. And they smile a lot. Which modern America often finds unnerving.

Now, Satanists, from what I've read and heard, want us all to die horrid bloody ritualistic deaths, unless we qualify to join their covens and they're short their required 13, and agree to help each other to attain riches and power and pornographic sexual experiences, which will involve blood sacrifices and only wear black all the time, with maybe some blood red accessories.

And so on.  And each group derides the others, except maybe the Wiccans, and makes fun of their ceremonial choreographies, while judging them harshly, if not outright causing them pain and suffering one way or another.  That's a party!

And they all involve some sort of ritual, and spell casting, or chanting, or ceremony, or tribal gathering with ceremonial programs to be followed in specific orders. Christianity has liturgies, and services and rituals just as Wiccans, Satanists and any other religion in the world. Catholics have an entire choreography one must learn, involving the correct use of beads and hand signals. When the alien species come to take us over, they will probably add airport ramp agents (the folks who guide the airplane to the gate with batons) to the list of priests and pastors. The only ones who seem to be able to sleep in on Halloween and Sunday are the atheists. Although even many atheists seem to want to change every one's mind to their way of non-belief by deriding belief in anything but nothing. They might find far more success if they had at least a secret handshake.  And agnostics hedge all bets by allowing for the great "perhaps."

And this is just in the realm of religion and the origins of the universe, without bringing science and scientific discoveries into the equation.  No time for that today. I do have errands to run. After turning counterclockwise three times under the noon day sun while making the anti hex sign.

Plus there are still every day issues of our physical, emotional and economic health and well being based on our beliefs; our societal function or dysfunction and how we see ourselves in the world based on our beliefs. It's a huge concept when you don't have it. And extremely simple when you do, or have one you cling to stubbornly as exclusively right over all others. There's a whole book's worth of explorations!

But only one way can be correct. Which one is correct? Just like Highlander, there can be only one, right? There's just one road to Olympus, after all, yes? In this huge, grand universe where so many miraculous things like the sponge can be made into an entertaining children's cartoon, we have to have reasonable limitations, after all. The idea of dinosaurs alone is enough to turn one purple! And if there were dinosaurs, they must have been Christian dinosaurs, who might have eaten shrimp, but certainly never lusted after their own gender. And wore a canopy of trees as a Friday services hat.

Personally, these days, I like to stick to what I find in as scholarly and close to original translation (and I don't necessarily subscribe to Aramaic Prominence Theory), of the gospels. Because I am a latter day Anglo Saxon American of multiple European bloodline descent. And my family does not have one solid tradition. (Though I have relatives who might argue we have a Seventh Day Adventist tradition. But that only came from my mother's mother who was a matriarch to end all matriarchs).  I don't like church. These days I find it mean-spirited and silly. And churches haven't been all that fond of me. I think Jesus had good ideas on how to have a happy life. That's my choice. I shall not inflict it upon you by hitting you on the head with a book.

If I succeed in my happy life, and you want to know how I did it, I'll tell you. I have to go look up the scripture that supposedly said "there is only one way to the Father, and that's through me." Personally I don't believe Jesus said that. Not when everything else he taught was so inclusive. And maybe I'll end up rehearsing hell's various choreography for writing that. But I don't believe there's an exclusive development deal for God.

Then, I have to go out and live in the world each day. A world which is made up of a potpourri of all these different traditions, religions, beliefs, etc. And the cacophony of unspoken, judgmental dialogue constantly at odds with each other is enough to send me back under the covers with a mindless romance novel and a bottle of scotch.

For some bizarre reason we just cannot wrap our minds around "All of the Above" as a box to check on the multiple choice exam of day to day life.  Perhaps this stems from a belief founded in massive insecurity, "If your way is right, then my way must be wrong," and we never ever ever can be "wrong." Even entertaining such a thought will require punishment of some sort, after all.

What if there is no such thing as "wrong." Which, I admit, is hard to fold Satanism into. But inclusive is inclusive, kids. What if there is a way that works better for you, than for me, and at the base of it is crazy, happy love? Just plain old love.

I'm naive. It'll never happen in my lifetime. But maybe somewhere, out there, there is an elephant sitting in the middle of a living room, being experienced all over its body by blind people, thinking, "this feels nice." It would be a pink elephant, of course.