Saturday, January 27, 2007


I include a picture of Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth II because it is ideally representative. Here is a formidable Queen of Hollywood playing the most prominent Queens of recent and past history. And I, for one, totally buy it.

1. First give up the notion that you have control over anything. None of us does. The best we can hope for is that enough people will first agree to our idea and then submit to it so that we can delude ourselves into thinking it's our control. But, deep down you gotta give it up.

2. Don't let anyone around you in on fact there's no such thing as control. They must believe that you're running things. Best way to do this is to practice in front of a mirror a very knowing look and nod. And in meetings, be the last to speak while nodding and looking wise at everyone who speaks first. When you see which direction the wind is blowing in the room, take the smartest person's idea, rephrase it and make it your own. With the wise nod and a wink at the end.

3. Embrace the zen of your royalty. You remember zen. The sound of one hand clapping. How do you get the goose out of the bottle? There it's out. Zen is a fancy Eastern discipline whereby you command a thing into existence just by believing it is so. And without medication! This is how you convince others that you are the Queen. Just by being it. Acting it. But not so bizarrely that the men in white coats are called out to confine you to padded quarters.

4. The wave. You must practice your own special wave. There are several you can try. First One: Lift your hand and pretend to unscrew a lightbulb Second One: Lift your hand and and pretend there's a rag in it and you're cleaning a window; Sub Second One: Now get the little spot on the window Third One: Lift your hand, turn your palm to your face and pretend you are performing a karate chop in slow motion; Sub Third One: Then a teeny karate chop. Just for variety. Under no circumstances use a wave that incorporates bending of fingers! This is a sign of weakness. And if you haven't had a manicure, will show off poor grooming!!

5. Hats: No ugly hats. That one's taken and you don't want any comparisons. But you need a trademark piece of clothing. This is how you will raise funds in the future to support your expanding queendom. License fees. Mine are cowboy boots. Not only distinctive because this is So. Calif where everyone wears jeweled flip flops, but also darned comfortable. And the toes are good for self defense, if need be.

6. Motto: Gotta have a motto. It's the mantra that reminds your subjects of their position. Mine is: Love the Queen and Look Younger. It works really well in California.

7. And finally, enemies. All great queens have enemies. This is where Jesus' advice works the best. Turn the other cheek. If they ask for your shirt, give them your coat as well. Because, if your enemies are nasty tempered, rude and generally obnoxious, they will show this to everyone if you give them enough time and rope to hang themselves. And you come up smelling like a rose. That and bribes of chocolate work really well.

1 comment:

redzils said...

I love this! I already have a wave (since my sixth grade English teacher was also a former beauty queen), but will get to work immediately on a motto.