Thursday, October 04, 2007

CHOKING ON PEANUT BUTTER

Day after day after day after day,
and night after night after night,
there is only "I need", "I need", "I need NOW"
from everyone.
Except me.

Day after day after day after day,
and night after night after night,
I do and I do and I do
for everyone.
Except me.

This has gone on
for years.
This has gone on
with and without tears.
This has gone on
relentlessly.

No time to eat dinner,
it's now 10:00 p.m.
I open the refrigeratior
and look longingly
at uncooked food.
If only someone would come
and cook it. For me.
I'm too tired.

I take out the jar of
Smooth Peanut Butter.
I take out a large tablespoon.
I introduce one to the other
and ground nuts mound over the spoon.

Back to the den.
Watch the news.
Lick the spoon.

Forgot milk.
Forgot water.

*Suddenly*!!
the breathable ratio
of esophagus
to peanut butter
is overwhelmed!!

A strange, so strange wheezing sound!
Is it a cat? Why do I feel dizzy suddenly?
Where is this sound coming from?
Oh. It's me. Just choking.

I stand, wondering where
oh where has it gone?
My panic.
It's not here.
Just wheezing and choking
and not breathing.

It feels peaceful. It feels welcoming.
I hear a beckoning. I hear a voice.
A pretty voice. A voice that promises rest.
For me.

"Just relax" it says.
"Don't get up. Just lay back
and let me stroke your brow"
it says.
And way way way way back in the background
almost too far to be heard is
"I need", "I need", I need NOW".

And without thinking I find myself
back at the refrigerator.
Ignoring the uncooked food.
Grabbing the bottle of milk.
Just one last wheeze. It really wouldn't be so bad, would it?
I could finally sleep, couldn't I?

Then I'm drinking.
Straight from the bottle.
And the smooth stickiness is washed away.
The wheeze is gone.
And I am still here.
Almost sorry.

And tomorrow becomes:

Today after day after day after day,
and night after night after night,
with only "I need", "I need", "I need NOW"
from everyone.
Except me.

Gonna need to buy a new bottle of milk today.

8 comments:

Linda McMillan said...

Did you write that?
Because,that was good. Really good.
I really felt the constancy of everyone else's needing.

Presbyterian Gal said...

Lindy: Yup. I did indeed. Wrote it this afternoon. Thanks.

Diane said...

it's great!
someday... I'll write another poem.

jledmiston said...

PG - you are a great writer. Love this. (And hope today is better.)

zorra said...

(PG)
This is very moving.
And I hope you get some good quiet time over the weekend.

MayB MayB Not said...

Amen .. you are an excellent writer .. and, even tho' cooking is not my thing ... if I was anywhere close to you I would so be coming to your house to cook a meal for you (and draw you a bath, and go to the store for you) I so hear and feel what you're saying! Praying you experience support and have a nourishing weekend.

SpookyRach said...

What mayb said. (Uh, except that I would bring take-out!) Have a good week. Please.

Grace, Every Day said...

Wow. That resonated. Well written.