Sunday, November 18, 2007

MIGRATING HAIR


I remember when I was younger being totally grossed out by women who sprouted mustaches and chin hairs. Especially hairs growing out of moles. Yuck. "Don't they have any self respect," I would rudely and thoughtlessly think to myself. 

Then in my 30's I grew my own mustache. Just after starting treatment for a thyroid disorder. It kicked my hormones into gear and sent me to the drug store for hot wax. Which I used regularly for many years until one day, the hairs just didn't grow back so much and I could use tweezers. Hot wax was a pain in the butt and sometimes painful. Cold wax just ripped the money out of my wallet without removing a single hair. And laser treatments? No way. Too expensive and not guaranteed. And they make your skin look like plastic if you have too many.

I had a bikini wax. Once. Let's just say that I now flinch at the sound of velcro being pulled. And that is all I'm going to say about that.  

For a decade and a half I managed with tweezer and razor. 

Until *cue dramatic crescendo*!  Menopause! Somewhere inside my body a nasty little imp went running around me, pulling hair in places it was supposed to be and then pushing it out through places  traditionally saved for the male gender! 

On top of mood swings, hot flashes and night sweats, I had now turned into a werewolf Tressy doll, with hair coming out of many many visible inappropriate pores! Hair that laughed at my tweezers! That turned into thick and coarse armor at my razor! That would just *POP* out of nowhere while talking to the pastor or a teacher or someone else who would suddenly, quizzically look at my chin, then quickly away with that "ooooh how embarrassing" eyelid shift.

This is not fair. After spending over 40 years demon wrestling acne and finally named alternately heavyweight and mediumweight champion, here was yet another blight on my narcissistically tended appearance. Hair popping out of my chin. Noooooooo!!!

All I can do now is pluck. Since part of my acne conquering regimen involves a medical exfoliant just shy the strength of agent orange, my skin is too thin now to wax. Wax would rip the top layer clean off. Ow.  Which I learned from my dermatologist just before I was about to go out and buy another hot wax kit. God watches over aging narcissists as well.

So I pluck and pluck and pluckity pluck pluck. And I hope that when I'm really really old and decrepit with eyes that don't see so well and age clumsy fingers, that one of three things will be true: 1. My son lives close by and doesn't mind plucking for me; or 2. I live in a nice home with a nice attendant who plucks; or 3. I am so deliriously brain gone that I don't give a rat's patootie as the drool dribbles down over the whiskers while I watch Wheel of Fortune.

18 comments:

Barbara B. said...

yeah, damn, what IS it with the chin hair?!?!

(still laughing about the "medical exfoliant just shy the strength of agent orange")

Cathy said...

yes, this is a pretty funny posting!
So far, body hair has not been a big issue... yet...

Every once in a while I find this little hair in once place under the chinny chin chin. That's about.

Cathy said...

it.

Rev Kim said...

My best friend has made me promise that I will pluck her chin hairs in the home.

Dave thinks we should buy you a beer when we're in California after Christmas.

Presbyterian Gal said...

Kim and Dave: That would be great fun! Come on over.

SpookyRach said...

*wipes tears*

I'm hoping for option #3, myself.

SpookyRach said...

by the way - love the photo!

Sue said...

Love the photo!

I feel your pain re: chin hairs. How is it that I can go to bed with a clear and lovely face, and wake up with a small piece of brillo pad emerging from my chin. It's wrong on every level. It's just wrong.

I'm with #3 also.

Wyldth1ng said...

I say option 3, it probably comes with perks too. Like suite with a window and a bed with hand rails.

Quotidian Grace said...

What a photo! You are TOO much, really. Who (of a certain age) can't relate to this?

Muthah+ said...

As one who does the daily tweezer routine, your post is wonderful. If you can't beat them, laugh at them!

Reverend Dona Quixote said...

Hey that photo would look great on the dustcover of a novel

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

This is so funny! I have one on my chin that I never ever see until it is like 3 inches long! Then I wonder why no one pointed it out to me!

Diane said...

option #3, and

lol!!1

Jan said...

Too funny! But hard to live with. You are such a good writer!

Gannet Girl said...

Loved your interview, love the photo, but really, could do without the reminder of this particular midlife challenge!

Mary Clara said...

My sister and I have a plan to live together in the old folks' home and pluck each other's chin hairs. But maybe we will just go for option 3 instead!

You are so right: it is so wrong.

RevHRod said...

Oh I love knowing that I am not alone! My daughter had better live close or hire someone! Otherwise she may have to explain to the imagined grandchildren that Grandma "was not the bearded lady in the circus" before she checked into the Retired Pastors' Home.