Saturday, January 27, 2007

HOW TO BE QUEEN WITHOUT HAVING A FORTUNE


I include a picture of Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth II because it is ideally representative. Here is a formidable Queen of Hollywood playing the most prominent Queens of recent and past history. And I, for one, totally buy it.

1. First give up the notion that you have control over anything. None of us does. The best we can hope for is that enough people will first agree to our idea and then submit to it so that we can delude ourselves into thinking it's our control. But, deep down you gotta give it up.

2. Don't let anyone around you in on fact there's no such thing as control. They must believe that you're running things. Best way to do this is to practice in front of a mirror a very knowing look and nod. And in meetings, be the last to speak while nodding and looking wise at everyone who speaks first. When you see which direction the wind is blowing in the room, take the smartest person's idea, rephrase it and make it your own. With the wise nod and a wink at the end.

3. Embrace the zen of your royalty. You remember zen. The sound of one hand clapping. How do you get the goose out of the bottle? There it's out. Zen is a fancy Eastern discipline whereby you command a thing into existence just by believing it is so. And without medication! This is how you convince others that you are the Queen. Just by being it. Acting it. But not so bizarrely that the men in white coats are called out to confine you to padded quarters.

4. The wave. You must practice your own special wave. There are several you can try. First One: Lift your hand and pretend to unscrew a lightbulb Second One: Lift your hand and and pretend there's a rag in it and you're cleaning a window; Sub Second One: Now get the little spot on the window Third One: Lift your hand, turn your palm to your face and pretend you are performing a karate chop in slow motion; Sub Third One: Then a teeny karate chop. Just for variety. Under no circumstances use a wave that incorporates bending of fingers! This is a sign of weakness. And if you haven't had a manicure, will show off poor grooming!!

5. Hats: No ugly hats. That one's taken and you don't want any comparisons. But you need a trademark piece of clothing. This is how you will raise funds in the future to support your expanding queendom. License fees. Mine are cowboy boots. Not only distinctive because this is So. Calif where everyone wears jeweled flip flops, but also darned comfortable. And the toes are good for self defense, if need be.

6. Motto: Gotta have a motto. It's the mantra that reminds your subjects of their position. Mine is: Love the Queen and Look Younger. It works really well in California.

7. And finally, enemies. All great queens have enemies. This is where Jesus' advice works the best. Turn the other cheek. If they ask for your shirt, give them your coat as well. Because, if your enemies are nasty tempered, rude and generally obnoxious, they will show this to everyone if you give them enough time and rope to hang themselves. And you come up smelling like a rose. That and bribes of chocolate work really well.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

WHAT DID YOU MAKE FOR DINNER?

Nothing's more fun for me than cooking when I have my cooking mojo on. Best is when I've nothing planned, don't know what to make when I go into my eensy kitchen and rummage. Rummage dinners are usually the best. Especially after holidays when there are remnants of gourmet delights lurking about the cupboards.

But tonight was simple. I took Trader Joe's salmon burgers and flattened them out. Dipped them in flour, egg w/ a splash of buttermilk and panko crumbs and fried them up in Crisco. (Yeah, I know the evil trans fats, but darlins, moderation O.K.? I can't give it all up. Just enough not to clog my arteries). Squirted on a little fresh lemon juice and made fresh Ranch dressing for dipping.

Then took Trader Joe's bag of prepped butternut squash and microwaved them in the bag according to directions. Ah, but then..... Then the muse took hold of me. I prepped a small mixing bowl with orange zest and a few squirts of orange left from the slices I made for my son's supper, added a pat of butter and a scant tablespoon of sugar. Mixed in the cooked cubes of squash a sprinkle of kosher salt and Voila! I've never enjoyed squash more. Although the Benster took his required two bites and said "not to my taste, mom". At least he didn't gag. I call that progress. And there was more for us grown ups.

I do love Trader Joe's for quickie inspirations. What did you all have for dinner?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

5 ODD FACTS MEME

My fellow blogger and Renaissance Woman, Quotidian Grace, has issued a voluntary "5 Odd Facts" Meme. I volunteer these:

1. Celebrity: It's a toss up between playing chess with Sharon Stone before she was hugely famous, losing to her on purpose because her assistant said she didn't like to lose and my then beau was her attorney, and then her grabbing my behind on our way out; OR Michael Douglas, while I was placing a phone call to him for my then boss, mistaking me for a girlfriend who sent a sexy Valentine.

2. Royal Correspondence: I wrote to Queen Elizabeth just after the death of Princess Diana. She wrote me back. Or rather her secretary did, saying "I am to tell you that Her Majesty was most interested in your comments".

3. While in Covenant Players I performed before a 15,000 audience in Saratoga Springs, New York. We did a suicide play where I had to stand on a folding chair. The chair was placed exactly at the edge of the stage and I was sure I was gonna fall over and break my neck. Got great gasps from the audience, but eeek-gad.

4. I'm the first person to create the motion picture credit: Post Production Accountant. It's used now all the time. Look at your next movie.

5. I had my only child and son extraordinnaire at the age of 45. He is 100% home grown. No fertility drugs. No standing on my head. I say that I saved the best egg for last. And my OB/Gyn still tells the joke from when we were looking into an egg donor, that I told her "I'm so cheap, I used my own egg". The truth is, he is the best miracle God ever gave me.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

EXCUSES FOR CHOCOLATE

Next week we observe Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, as is appropriate. But that is not a holiday that calls for chocolate and Valentine's Day is so very far off.

So I found some new Holiday's, just in case one requires a special occasion for a chocolate treat. My faves for next week are:

Tuesday, January 16: Appreciate a dragon day: Wherein I shall not only enjoy scaly chocolate, but also send flowers to my mother-in-law!

Also Tuesday is National Nothing Day, where nothing will stop me from enjoying chocolate;

AND it's also Religious Freedom Day (thank goodness we all have at least one day in the year for it!)

Then, Wednesday, January 17, I find a curious counterpoint with Judgment Day occuring concurrently with Customer Service Day. A good holiday for being a chocolate customer, and perhaps the last one ever!