Sunday, October 05, 2008

DEAR AUNT CRABBY - Agin, the 2nd time

"Well Hi Thar! Y'all have reached Sam! Financial expert and Home Security Consultant. Please speak your piece at the tone"

"Sam, you no good son of a -"

CLICK, "Why Crabby! To what do I owe this dubious honor?"

"I j'es got a letter from our niece, uh, Oh Lordy, what is that girl's name?"


"I dunno, she the one what got married in 10th grade?"

"The very one. An they're still happily entwined, I am proud to say."

"Then it's the  t'other one. I think the one what has 6 earrings in one ear and a tattoo of Betty Boop on 'er hind parts."

"That's be Gloria."

"OK. Anywho, she's tellin' me some nonsense about Wally and how you done went to the bank and put the whole damned family in hock up to their eyeballs bailin' that boy outta 5 minutes of trouble before he gets back into 10!!! Is this true?"

*throat clearin heard*

"Sam, Sam you there? Oh damn hold on a minute, I jez set Precious on fire."

*Phone drops to floor. Footsteps walk away*

*from a distance Sam hears: "Precious what did I tell you about jumpin' on me when I've just lit my afternoon ceegar? Gracious me, It's a miracle you have any fur left at all!" *footsteps back to phone.

"Sam! You there you thievin coot?"

"Right here my dear Crabby. Y'all still have those 8 cats?"

"More like 18 now. I dunno where in tarnation they come from,  but  they shore know a sucker for purrin' when they see one! Now, enough pleasantries. I want you to explain to me what on earth you was thinkin' bailin' Wally out. We just don't do that!! Never have. You know he's fulla lies and empty promises these last few years."

"But Crabby, think of all the good years he done right by us. An' besides, if we don't rescue him, nobody will no more, an' all that investment on schoolin' we gave him will go to waste."

"Sam, you idjit!! It's gone to waste now. And you KNOW who everbody's gonna come to when the manure hits the combine! You know it'll be me they cry to. An' what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"You still got all them mattresses darlin?"

"Who tole you 'bout that? Who? I want names now. Somebody's gonna get hurt."

"Don't matter, Crabby. But you know you got plenty a dough to help out now. No way you're gonna spend all the money in yore liftime."

"That is NOT for you to decide. Since when do you get off your high horse and put the family in debt without permission, then decide that my hard earned savins' is what'll bail all your'ins hides out!!!! This is just wrong. I've a mind to come down there this very minute with my shotgun and teach you a lesson in manners!!"

"Crabby, Crabby, Crabby. J'es calm down now. It ain't like you're gonna run outta money for ceegars and cat food. It's j'es a little bit."

"How much?"

"How much what?"

"How much we talkin' about here, Sam?"

"Well, I don't rightly know."

"Then how in HELL can you say I won't go broke bailin' our kin out? Huh? I'd like ta know that."

"I've almost never been wrong before now. So you have ta listen ta me."

"Do not. You have done gone and lost your mind along with your good sense and decency. I will not be picking this phone up or answering my door ever agin now. So do not try to lay this on my doorstep, you ole thieven, lyin' coot!"

*Click* *Dialtone*

*to himself* "Yeah, Crabby, we'll see about that'n, yes we will." 

*Sam rubs neck of purring white Persian cat*


Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

Holding hostage, huh? I guess we're all hostages in this situation.

Anonymous said...

On it goes, and the stench spreads...