Saturday, October 04, 2008

DEAR AUNT CRABBY

Dear Aunt Crabby,

Thank you for the big ole box of Russell Stover chocolates for my birthday! You do remember my birthday isn't till next spring? Still, thanks awful much for the thoughtful gift. The card was funny too. I really like the way you crossed out "Get Well" and wrote in "Happy Birthday". The proctology joke played much better as a birthday joke.

I have so much news for you here. Hang onto your hat! (Do you still have that lovely straw  number with the giant pink chrysanthemums?) Remember Cousin Wally? The one who ran off to New York to become a big Broadway star? After emptying out his mama's (Aunt Lettie) wallet? Then he ended up selling Amway in Hoboken? Well after all these years, he came back to town and you will just never guess what he did.

Cousin Wally robbed all the banks in town. Ever single one of 'em. I kid you not. His scheme was so slick 'n all that not only did all of us know that he was the one what did it, he did it so slick that he persuaded us the banks had done give him all their money voluntarily! No lie. You remember what a fast talker he was! Now just when the sheriff started to poke around and ask questions, such as "Wally? Where'd all that money go what the banks gave you?", then Wally decided to get outta town. 

Now here's the part that's just so unbelievable. His car broke down! He could not get outta town. And just when all of us family and townfolk were startin' to figger out what Wally'd done, he pulled his big baby act and actually got ever one of us to feel sorry for him. Though we still didn't wanna give him any money to fix his durn car.

Then Uncle Sam, you remember him? He's the one with two bad legs cain't walk any more? He gits all of us family together and says that if we don't help Wally then the sheriff will arrest all of us and ruin our family with shame, because we are accessories!!! Can you beat that? He as much as said I was Wally's big dangly earrings!!! But Uncle Sam usually never steers us wrong. Well, maybe 'cept for the time he talked us into buying into that greasy spoon out on the interstate that ended up poison'n most of the customers from the put up tomaters from last year. 

Anyway! Uncle Sam went down to the bank. Our bank. What had no cash left from Wally stealing most of it. And he got this big ole loan. Said that we had all OK'd it. It was a big enough loan to buy Wally a new car, new suit, new shoes, new Corinthian leather wallet and pocket cash to get back to New York City! Without no guarantee of having to pay any of it back. Jus' a promise. An' you know what a promise from Wally is worth. 

Now we are all stuck payin' this  loan back. Trouble is, we all lost our jobs this year since the Panty Factory outsourced all its labor to China and the customer service to Pakistan. 

Anywho. I am writing now to thank you for the birthday gift and to ask if you could float us a little cash 'till all our government benefits kick in. We're low on milk and eggs. 

Oh and here's another funny story  I almost forgot! Remember the bank where Uncle Sam borrowed the money for Wally? The one that had no money either? It had to borrow the money all the way from China!!! Ain't that somethin' now. So now China is holdin' all the paper on our houses!!! Sure 'a hopin they don't get a hankerin' for living here in our town! We'd be sore outta luck then.

Anyway, any help you can send our  way is always appreciated. And I surely hope your rash is cleared up.

Cordially, with affection,

Your lovin' niece

8 comments:

FranIAm said...

OMG- hilariously funny and disturbingly true!

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

Very clever parody.

Singing Owl said...

hee hee hee hee! love it

Barbara B. said...

darn good parody :)

Rev SS said...

yep! darn good!

dust bunny said...

very, very funny/disturbing

Kievas said...

This is great...truth is stranger than fiction :)

Lindy said...

Except for the part about the panty factory I'd believe that this was a real letter from the town I grew up in.

Very funny Presbyterian Gal... well done!