Thursday, January 27, 2011

39% FULL

My earthlink account tells me how full my mail box account is. For years it hopped up and down between 5% and15%.

Then came the divorce and the e-mail account hacking and the host of problems inherent thereto. And the account hovered at 26% full.

Now in the aftermaths of more than one anxiety and lactate acid producing episode of life crap, it bounces between 36% and 39%. Got up to 41% at one point.

And I get chest pains and am tired a lot.

I look at my earthlink account and sometimes liken it to a sort of "life used up" meter. How do I get it back down to it's clear and perky 5%? Rather like myself.

I pray every morning to start the day. I thank God for all the great things around me and great friends, and I end with the Lord's Prayer. But for awhile now I've begun my prayer apologizing to God for being such a disappointment. I suspect it's a sideways way of apologizing to myself for disappointing myself for ending up in such a state.

Then my wonderful friend T reminds me that I am too hard on myself and I'm doing far better than I think. And I feel better. Though I do believe I could do better still.

The funny thing is since I've been apologizing for being such a huge disappointment, I am feeling lighter and better. So while my earthlink account stubbornly sticks at 39%, I am feeling more like 28% and shrinking.

Apologies to all of you who might still come here and check in and also many thanks for hanging in. Here's wishing you a 5% kind of day.

Friday, January 07, 2011


Kathryn at Rev Gals writes:

" give us all a record and partly to give us all a chance to reflect on the 2010 Holiday Season now that we are out of it, I ask you this:"

1) What food item was one of your favorites this year - a definite keeper?
The Bruschetta my 12 year old son made. Full of fresh basil and garlic. And such festive colors!
2) Was there a meal or party or a gathering that stands out in your mind from this most recent holiday season?
No. Because 2010 was such an excruciatingly difficult ordeal, we were just hoping to get through without more shoes dropping around us. Plus my son was sick all week.
3) Were you involved in a jaw-dropper gift? Were you the giver or recipient or an on-looker?
That I got gifts was a jaw-dropper. This was the first year in many that I received more than two gifts. Though, my main pleasure has always been to watch my son open his, I would still feel a bit left out. But NOT this year....Oh no!!! What fun. 
4) Was there at least one moment where you experienced true worship?
I have not enjoyed an experience of true worship in a long time. I travel the vast dry desert currently.
5) What is at least one thing you want to make sure you do next year?
Remain above-ground.
BONUS: What is something you absolutely must remember to do differently... or not at all!
OR: If you just want to sum it all up in a few words, that will work too.
Hmmmm. Next year I want to put up the outside lights I did not have time to put up this year.