Thursday, January 27, 2011

39% FULL

My earthlink account tells me how full my mail box account is. For years it hopped up and down between 5% and15%.

Then came the divorce and the e-mail account hacking and the host of problems inherent thereto. And the account hovered at 26% full.

Now in the aftermaths of more than one anxiety and lactate acid producing episode of life crap, it bounces between 36% and 39%. Got up to 41% at one point.

And I get chest pains and am tired a lot.

I look at my earthlink account and sometimes liken it to a sort of "life used up" meter. How do I get it back down to it's clear and perky 5%? Rather like myself.

I pray every morning to start the day. I thank God for all the great things around me and great friends, and I end with the Lord's Prayer. But for awhile now I've begun my prayer apologizing to God for being such a disappointment. I suspect it's a sideways way of apologizing to myself for disappointing myself for ending up in such a state.

Then my wonderful friend T reminds me that I am too hard on myself and I'm doing far better than I think. And I feel better. Though I do believe I could do better still.

The funny thing is since I've been apologizing for being such a huge disappointment, I am feeling lighter and better. So while my earthlink account stubbornly sticks at 39%, I am feeling more like 28% and shrinking.

Apologies to all of you who might still come here and check in and also many thanks for hanging in. Here's wishing you a 5% kind of day.


Mary Beth said...

Every day, in every way, you are getting better and better. Looking forward to being "at" the Qigong event with you on Sunday.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

One foot in front of the other. You are loved.

Songbird said...

Hang in there.

Terri said...

one foot, one breath, one a time. It does help to start one's day with prayer...

Phivos Nicolaides said...

Sending warm regards and wishes too.