My earthlink account tells me how full my mail box account is. For years it hopped up and down between 5% and15%.
Then came the divorce and the e-mail account hacking and the host of problems inherent thereto. And the account hovered at 26% full.
Now in the aftermaths of more than one anxiety and lactate acid producing episode of life crap, it bounces between 36% and 39%. Got up to 41% at one point.
And I get chest pains and am tired a lot.
I look at my earthlink account and sometimes liken it to a sort of "life used up" meter. How do I get it back down to it's clear and perky 5%? Rather like myself.
I pray every morning to start the day. I thank God for all the great things around me and great friends, and I end with the Lord's Prayer. But for awhile now I've begun my prayer apologizing to God for being such a disappointment. I suspect it's a sideways way of apologizing to myself for disappointing myself for ending up in such a state.
Then my wonderful friend T reminds me that I am too hard on myself and I'm doing far better than I think. And I feel better. Though I do believe I could do better still.
The funny thing is since I've been apologizing for being such a huge disappointment, I am feeling lighter and better. So while my earthlink account stubbornly sticks at 39%, I am feeling more like 28% and shrinking.
Apologies to all of you who might still come here and check in and also many thanks for hanging in. Here's wishing you a 5% kind of day.