Sunday, October 30, 2011


Innocent Idiocy
The Child
There was so very much to suppress and resolve in my extreme childhood. And there was no help. No counsel. I was required to appear groomed and well behaved at all times no matter the circumstances of the day. Said circumstances included rape, molestation, bullying. And that was from adults as well as children. BOOK ONE is about learning how to live with the idea that I deserved it and others deserved better, without knowing exactly why.

Idiotic Acting Out
The Textbook Young Adult
These are the years I threw myself at things. And was really good at all of them. Enough to craft the promise of a career, only to walk away and throw myself at something else at which excelling also occurred. None of which were heart callings. And the men. So many of them. I walked through them like a torch through kindling. Still, all the while, quietly holding dear a false knowledge that I deserved it and others deserved better, without knowing exactly why.

The Threshing
The Over the Hill Come to Jesus
The last marriage. The lawsuit(s). The house(s). The death threats. The murder attempts. The mentally ill spouse who denied his mentally illness. The neighborhood felon (unlawful restraint) and the new neighborhood's resident pedophile, drug dealer with the insane boyfriend who broke into cars and houses. Walking away from a hugely successful job. Almost finding my heart's work only to have it ripped away by a tall steeple sham of a greedy money obsessed pastor. All of which was blamed on me, which I was beginning to think was not deserved and that I probably deserved better but didn't exactly know why.

Cutting the Restraints
The Very Very Late Blooming of an Old Woman
This started in BOOK THREE wherein the child was born. The child the demanded I become who I am supposed to be because that is what a child deserves. The cutting away of all the killing weights of BOOK THREE. The finding of my voice, still angry, but very true and saying what is so. The leap into the unknown void of no income, no faith, no plush toys, because this is the only place where the demons can be mercilessly killed. Because I will have better, whether I deserve it or not.

And all throughout these overly dramatic, and painfully narcissistic books is killer humor and some very repeatable and unrepeatable jokes.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


A client and I had a "cross purpose" moment a few weeks back. He wanted to deduct a number of expenses that the IRS would have disallowed. Things such as the cable TV, the gardener, his kids and wife's clothing and the kids babysitter (who is an undocumented worker). Now don't get me wrong. I don't sign a damned thing. He is the client. He can put whatever he wants into his business books. I am not paid to judge, and honestly I don't. Pretty much everyone with buttloads of cash and in "that" lifestyle all try this. But I have to tell the truth. Which was "Client, I will be deeee-lighted to categorize these expenses wherever you want. No problem-o there. However, I must tell you that they would not stand up to an IRS audit." And he became upset with me. After going back and forth, where he kept trying to manipulate me into verbalizing that it was absolutely hunky dory and allowable to deduct all these unallowable things - which I quite nicely and politely would not - and in fact, I kept telling him I'd be more than happy to put them wherever he would like me to put them .....well, he said that of course he was not trying to "cook" the books. Which I had never ever ever said.

Which leads to food. And the diet I've been on for far far too long.

There's more than one kind of food. I'm talking about spirit food. Here are five spirit foods. Some I will be giving up. Some I will be switching to.

1. Stress - I eat this every day. Too much. Stress from not enough income. Stress from an adolescent son who, while his school has many many really good things about it, gives him ridiculously too much homework without helping him to learn how to strategize and organize it. Stress from an aging mom who can't take as good care of herself and has become far far too sedentary for her health. Stress from having to be up at 5 a.m. and on the go until 10 or so. Stress from not having a really really close friend or partner for support. I chow on this all day, every day. Not tasty.

2. The sense of "entitlement" of others - I see this in all strata of social "castes" if you will. The twist of the American dream from "you can be and do whatever you choose" to "I can have whatever I want even if that means I take it away from you." This has "trickled down" from Wall Street, to Main Street to families. It's served up on dinner plates across the land, mine included. The American way of life has not matured. It has mutated into a non-nutritional diet of self aggrandized narcissism. I even see it in myself occasionally - at which time I go into the rest room and try to vomit it back up. Yes, I am an "entitlement" bulimic. It is delicious. Like French Fries and apple fritters are delicious. But oh so very bad for one.

3. "I am right and you are wrong" snacks. Especially with an adolescent who is in the throes of stretching the honesty envelope and occasionally ripping it wide open. Especially other parents whose children have never made a mistake in their entire lives. Especially in business and workplace so-called "leaders" who walk about with bloodied noses and shredded skin from all their very human and forgiveable f**k-ups, who cannot own the truth of their mistakes to save their lives. The extraordinary volume of their crunchy, crispy, munchy snacking on this is deafening.

4. Here is one of my new foods - My truth. Told honestly. As kindly as I can, but if I'm pissed, I'm gonna tell you. I've done that several times. Why didn't I do this before? Easy, because I was sure I would be killed. Because when I was a little youngster that's what my dad said he would do if I spoke my truth as I experienced it. And not only have I not been killed, but it's far far easier to wade through the detritus of the disingenuous, white-washed bullsh*t that flows so thickly these days. And I find I'm fuller much faster.

5. I eat less patience. There is such a thing as getting fat on patience. Too much patience can become enabling. Too much patience can become indulgence. Too much patience for others and not enough insistence of oneself can cause one to lose so much weight that one might disappear altogether. So I try to plate it up where it's appropriate. But when it begins to be an unhealthy amount, I set it aside. The funny thing about this is that it causes one to grow more substance as a result. And this is a good thing.

That's my banquet. Soul food for now. Dessert will be grace. I am sure of it.

Sunday, October 09, 2011


First there are the 7 deadly selfish wants:

1. To be able to go back in time and change some things
2. To be drop dead gorgeous and have everyone give me what I ask for without giving me any grief about it or saying no the first 183 times
3. To be ridiculously, fabulously rich
4. To have size 6 feet
5. To be able to read a 350 page book in 10 minutes and remember it
6. To be married to Hugh Jackman (I've broken up with George Clooney)
7. To have the leisure to write, draw, craft all day long, every day

Then there are the 7 unselfish wants:

1. To go back in time to keep Diana out of that car
2. To be drop dead gorgeous and have everyone give me the food, water and supplies I ask for to send to starving people without giving me any grief about it or saying no the first 183 times
3. To be ridiculously, fabulously rich so that I can set up educational foundations across the land for students AND teachers
4. To have size 6 feet without gimpy dance and ice skating injuries so I can hike into the places I send the food, water and supplies to help the folks who need it, without my feet giving out
5. To be able to read a 350 page book in 10 minutes and remember it, so I can learn all kinds of things going on in the world to be a better informed citizen
6. To be married to Hugh Jackman so that George can finally get over me
7. To have the leisure to write, draw and craft all day long on days I have off between all the above and to meet wonderful creative other folks and have lovely times doing same with them.

Then there are the realistic 7 wants:

1. To change some things from "ugh" to "ahhhhh" in this life henceforth
2. To learn how to get what I need from others by asking authentically
3. To be ridiculously, fabulously rich
4. To find comfortable shoes for my big ole feet that look hot
5. To be able to read a 350 page book in a couple days and remember it
6. To be able to fantasize about Hugh Jackman while I enjoy real life men with an open mind. But not too open. Just sayin'.
7. To have the leisure to write, draw, craft all day long, every day and to meet wonderful creative other folks and have lovely times doing same with them.

Sunday, October 02, 2011


1. I fear that if I tell you, a Google spider will carry the information to a room far away where a thick bespectacled computer nerd will interpret the information and either sell it to a company advertising wall insulation, or a government agency who will then mistake me for a Lithuanian spy.

2. Having to repeat middle school. Oh. Look. I am. Only there's waaaaaaay more homework.

3. I fear making homemade bread - that the yeast I have is expired and it won't rise, like the South again.

4. I fear the number two. I don't know why. I just always have. It's one or three for me. Never two.

5. I fear the always moving, always hiding mini black hole that hovers about me, constantly stealing my keys and then laughing ironically.

6. I fear waking up and having six toes on each foot. I would have to buy all new shoes then, as none of mine would fit.

7. I fear remarrying and being introduced to my new MIL, only to discover that she is my last MIL.

8. I fear finishing this. It's over far too soon.