Sunday, October 30, 2011

FOUR BOOKS

BOOK ONE
Innocent Idiocy
The Child
There was so very much to suppress and resolve in my extreme childhood. And there was no help. No counsel. I was required to appear groomed and well behaved at all times no matter the circumstances of the day. Said circumstances included rape, molestation, bullying. And that was from adults as well as children. BOOK ONE is about learning how to live with the idea that I deserved it and others deserved better, without knowing exactly why.

BOOK TWO
Idiotic Acting Out
The Textbook Young Adult
These are the years I threw myself at things. And was really good at all of them. Enough to craft the promise of a career, only to walk away and throw myself at something else at which excelling also occurred. None of which were heart callings. And the men. So many of them. I walked through them like a torch through kindling. Still, all the while, quietly holding dear a false knowledge that I deserved it and others deserved better, without knowing exactly why.

BOOK THREE
The Threshing
The Over the Hill Come to Jesus
The last marriage. The lawsuit(s). The house(s). The death threats. The murder attempts. The mentally ill spouse who denied his mentally illness. The neighborhood felon (unlawful restraint) and the new neighborhood's resident pedophile, drug dealer with the insane boyfriend who broke into cars and houses. Walking away from a hugely successful job. Almost finding my heart's work only to have it ripped away by a tall steeple sham of a greedy money obsessed pastor. All of which was blamed on me, which I was beginning to think was not deserved and that I probably deserved better but didn't exactly know why.

BOOK FOUR
Cutting the Restraints
The Very Very Late Blooming of an Old Woman
This started in BOOK THREE wherein the child was born. The child the demanded I become who I am supposed to be because that is what a child deserves. The cutting away of all the killing weights of BOOK THREE. The finding of my voice, still angry, but very true and saying what is so. The leap into the unknown void of no income, no faith, no plush toys, because this is the only place where the demons can be mercilessly killed. Because I will have better, whether I deserve it or not.

And all throughout these overly dramatic, and painfully narcissistic books is killer humor and some very repeatable and unrepeatable jokes.

7 comments:

annie said...

I don't know why some people, through no fault of their own, have to endure such misery in their lives. I am sorry for that, because nothing can give you back what was taken from you, what the child in you really deserved, but I am also hopeful for you that you are moving towards healing...

spookyrach said...

I love your take on this. Very cool. And I'm so glad you are finding that you deserve better. I'm cheering for you!

Terri said...

Yes. Finding your authentic self and voice. Holding you in love and prayer.

Lori said...

I too love how you did this. It is hard to speak of ourselves in with honesty and often painful truth. I believe you hold the keys to your kingdom, knowing is half the challenge. Moving through them, another. You are on your way. I'm rooting for you and keeping you in my prayers too.... it's all about becoming... I don't think we ever really stop evolving into that next piece (peace). Amen girl.

Hot Cup Lutheran said...

it is a gift to discover your voice. i'm glad you have...

patti said...

This is the turning point.

Mary Beth said...

I love you!