Now I've gone and done it! Remember a few years back, all those stories I wrote? Well I've gone and published them on Amazon e-books. Yes, that's right, for a mere $2.99 you can own an electronic collection of these stories.
Buy it here
Happy Reading, if you get it!!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sunday, April 01, 2012
I really had this dream this morning. I did not eat before bed time. I had no wine yesterday. This was after almost eight hours of sleep. There is no explanation for where this dream has come from.
It plays like a movie - the first clip I'm on a lovely vacation in Florida. I am persuaded to buy a crocodile because there are too many of them in this area and they are suffering so. Against my better judgment I bought one and was told it would be shipped out to me.
Cut to the next clip. I am living in my childhood home, fixing a little chicken for my dinner. The doorbell rings. Diumping, a woman who is the mom of one of my son's schoolmates stands there expectantly so I ask her to stay for dinner. She sits down and I realize I have nothing prepared, so I go to the fridge in panic and don't see much.
The doorbell rings again. Another friend and her husband, Catalina and Augustine, show up and I invite them as well. But I have nothing prepared, so I go back to the refrigerator. Upon opening the freezer I find a package of peas and I think "Perfect!" Then I check the expiration date on the package and it's September 25, 2005. I seriously consider heating and serving them anyway, but just for a wicked second and then toss them out. I find some packaged apples and some broccoli but then I hear the doorbell ring again. I pray it's not someone else for this dinner party I have obviously forgotten.
A smiling woman stands at the door. She is dressed rather like Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous, wearing a stylish coat over her dress. Behind her is a giant delivery truck. "Here's your crocodile" she says happily and I almost expect her to pull out a microphone to interview me for the 6 o'clock news. Then panic sets in because I have no place to put it and I've left my dinner guests without their apples and broccoli! I excuse myself from the woman to attend to this at once. I tell the woman that I have dinner guests who must be served and I turn and rush back in as her hand comes up with tastefully manicured forefinger pointed to the sky, eyebrows raised and a "...but.." escaping her lips.
When I return to the dinner table with the apples and broccoli I can see Augustine is really hungry, so I give him my share of everything. This makes him very happy. Good! One person happy! They ask who is at the door and I say "I bought a crocodile and apparently it's being delivered." They all look at me as if I am out of my mind and I tend to agree with them. I realize that when I bought the crocodile I did not actually believe it would be delivered. To my home. Yikes.
I rush back to the front driveway where I see the box with the crocodile has been unloaded. A strapping, shirtless fellow is standing on top of it and I can see that it has been broken in strategically escape hatch positions. I wish mightily that I had a raw chicken or two to feed the creature. There is also a fantastical creature from another world there, laying on its side, and a saddled horse being prepared for delivery elsewhere to other peoples dreams. And there, in a broken box lies my hapless crocodile.
I look to the woman, helpless, and in a terrible panic. This has obviously happened to her before, her sigh tells me.
I tell her that the only place I can put the creature is in my back yard and now it is her turn to panic. She waves desperate jazz hands at me and says "NO NO NO!!! Because a little baby will think it is a toy and crawl right up to it and say "Hi" and the crocodile will kill her with a swipe of his tail!!!!" And as she is saying this, the vision of this happening unfolds in my mind's eye. The adorable little baby, wearing a darling white lace dress and those sweet diaper covers with rows of lace across the bottom and a precious pink hair bow holding her only lock of hair, crawling up to the giant beast. She places her trusting hands on his reptilian head and looks straight in his eye as she says, in the most endearing baby voice ever, "Hi" and then.....WHOOOSH!!! The tail!!! Oh the tail.....just as the woman has said!!!
Well I can't keep the damned baby-killing thing now.
I turn to the woman, my resolve firm, and she begins to hem and haw about her place in Fontana. And I know I will talk her into taking the crocodile there until I can find a suitable crocodile home. But all the while I wonder how the hell much all THIS is going to cost me.
Well, my dears, I was never so happy to wake up after this, lying comfortably on my office cot, ready for some coffee.
I swear, as God is my witness, I will NEVER buy a crocodile. NEVER. Not even shoes and a purse.