My entire life has been an exercise of trying to feel a part of something bigger than myself.
Many people are given this naturally as a function of healthy family dynamics or healthy community experiences in church, school, clubs or whatever the organization.
Unfortunately I have had to battle against early messages that I do not deserve to be included in any community anywhere for any reason. Perhaps this is from being serially abused and marginalized as a child. Probably. Explains why I find compliments extremely awkward.
Bigger than that is the concept of community. This nifty article about community says it pretty well.
The last couple months I have felt more and more isolated. Some of this is intentional on the part of people around me. Some is unintentional by the thoughtlessness of people around me. Whatever. Save the call to the Waaambulance.
Today I'm actually in a peaceful place because of finally understanding that there really is no such thing as God of any church or any book or any organization claiming such a thing. There just isn't. It's a concept created to use as a hammer to push away the likes of me. Which is really sad, because I am wonderful and full of good ideas and funny as all get out. And a snappy dresser.
Jesus was a swell guy with good things to say. So was Buddha. And Mohammed. And such like folks. But this deification business, in my experience, is used to judge, punish and even kill others - which those particular gentlemen would find abhorrent. That's just stupid and evil.
It took a long time, but Thanks Pastor Gary from La Canada and thanks Rev. Terry and thanks to CMT for showing me what a travesty organized religion and churches are. How they have absolutely nothing to do with creating any sort of all inclusive, supportive, loving and functional community. I refuse to feel unworthy and not good enough for the likes of you, in the name of a false god, any more.
I have myself, my son and some treasured fine friends. Riches beyond measure. There's no longer any need to measure myself against the always found wanting yardstick of manipulative, dysfunctional and abusive ideologies created for personal gain, ego stroking and edifications.
It's a gorgeous day out here. Sometime in the next month I'll be shutting this site down. I don't believe in churches anywhere any more. Or the god they claim to exist in the pages of hotly debated variations of translations from books of dubious provenance.