Monday, December 30, 2013

WAITING



Waiting started early. I had to wait a whole year from 3 to 4 before I was allowed to start dance lessons. I had to wait a year from 4 to 5 before I could start kindergarten and walk to school with Gary from next door. I had to wait just forever before getting my driver's license. I firmly believed I would never be kissed by a boy because it was taking so long to happen.

Looking back on all the things I've had to wait for, I remember being dragged down into the dumps of mood doom by the false belief that "it's never going to happen!!!!!!!!!!!" I suspect it was the excessive use of exclamation points that strengthened this self destructive thought.

In some cases, waiting is not necessarily a good thing. When you're sick and need to see a doctor, waiting is not good. I've been guilty of this in the past, to my physical regret. It's also not a good practice in bill paying, as late charges will apply.

Sometimes waiting is a good thing. Sometimes the saying "If it's meant to be, it will happen," bolsters your waiting muscles to see if a thing is true or good for you. Though personally I find this annoying.

The lesson of waiting for me springs from two questions. "What are you going to do with your time while you are waiting?" Life is just one long wait. One's life begins with the first protesting cry of birth and then waits for the last rattling gasp before death. It's really that simple. And, "What are you going to do with your time while you are waiting?" is the question for us all.

The other question is "How do you choose to wait for -X- to occur?" I'm not patient. I want to know stuff now. Right now. Immediately. I mean, really, we're all here, we have the supplies, the idea is on the table.....I can feel the GRRRRR revving up just writing this. It's psychic torture sometimes, this waiting business. And I resent the pointing out that it's torture of my own making.

Right this second, here are the things I am waiting for:
~Breakfast - because I chose to write this first.
~Paying bills, because that's going to take a chunk of time I haven't had
~An Amazon order to show up that was sent US mail.
~The scars from my plastic surgery to fade so I can more persuasively lie about my age
~Ben to start driving so I don't have to spend so much time in my car waiting for him
~And a couple other big things I'll just keep to myself.

Now it's a choice of how will I wait and what will I do. Breakfast will happen soon, so I'm down with that one. The bills will happen this afternoon because I am sick of looking at the mountain of money sucking paper on my desk. Amazon I can detach from, because I have good luck with them and I know it will show up. The scars I can romantically allude to duels, so that will be fun. The last two are the GRRR makers.

I'm thinking that for me, the two best tools for the last two things will be resignation and list making. Those two have worked in the past. At least they'll work in spurts, until I grow impatient again. Which will happen over the course of the next couple years. I apologize now to the trees for the amount of paper I will consume making lists.

What is the purpose of waiting? I don't think it has any purpose. I think it's an artificially constructed life view that we, culturally, have agreed upon for conversational purposes. "How are you?" "I'm good. Just waiting for school to start." "Oh, I hear that. I can't wait to have my days back!" ......  to "How are you?"  "I'm good. Just waiting for my kids to come visit."  "Oh I hear that. I can't wait to see mine when they visit every year."  Which, when you think about it, is kind of silly. Why not just play a hand of gin or walk through a lovely park instead of waiting for what's not there yet? It'll show up or it won't.

And now that I've written this, I am going to wait for this wisdom to sink in and become a soothing new point of view. "AhhhhhOhhhhhhhmmmmm." Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen. *She reaches for a pencil and paper to start yet another list*

1 comment:

spookyrach said...

I like how you think. Or should I say 'how you think!!!!!!!!'. Good luck with the waiting.